My name is Lindsey and I’m a 28 year old single mom.  I have a 3 year old son who is my life and my reason for living.  I truly believe everything happens for a reason and becoming pregnant with my son is what saved my life.  I was headed down a road where my only options were jail or death.  My life was so unmanageable and I had never felt more lost and confused, I had lost all hope and woke up each day wishing it was my last.  I couldn’t fathom the idea of having to live my life with so much pain and didn’t have a clue on how I could ever get past it.  I had been battling my demons since I was 14 years old.  I had a love/hate relationship and it took me years to finally admit I was addicted to drugs.  I never thought I had a problem because I was convinced I was in control.

             Being high gave me a false sense of confidence and more importantly it pushed all my feelings aside so I no longer had to feel any pain.  For the first time in years I was actually happy, or so I had thought.  It didn’t matter what drug it was, I would try anything once! The problem is I never came across a drug I didn’t like.  But the day I tried meth was the day I fell in love for the very first time.  I remember it like it was yesterday, it made me feel invincible like I could take on anything!  It filled the void inside and even though I was living a double life, I believed I was truly happy.  I wasn’t your normal tweeker, I was more of a closet tweeker because the last thing I ever wanted was for anyone to know my dirty little secret.  I didn’t consider myself a drug addict because I lived such a normal life, I had a great family, wonderful friends, an awesome job that paid great money, and found the man of my dreams…what more could a girl ask for?  I had everything going for me, I even graduated college and got my degree in fashion merchandise marketing.  For the very first time people were proud of me.  I struggled in school my whole life, I always felt stupid because I never could comprehend anything or sit still long enough to let myself.  It was so frustrating so I would just get stoned or drunk before class so it wouldn’t matter because I wouldn’t have to feel those feelings.  But the high you get from meth is so different, and having people praise me for doing good just made me need to be high even more.  It was a vicious cycle that I believed I had under control but the reality of it is that I had no control at all.  It had managed to take complete control of my life without me even knowing it, to the point where I now needed it just to function every day.  

            Almost a year before I got pregnant my dad passed away.  I was a “daddy’s girl” my whole life and spent the last 7 years of it taking care of him.  His health had gotten so bad that I made keeping him healthy my number #1 priority.  I was so scared of him dying that I had to check to make sure he was breathing every night just for peace of mind so that I could fall asleep.  It became something that consumed my every thought throughout the day.  Every morning I woke up wondering “is today the day he’s going to die?”  It’s not how you want to live your life and the only way I knew how to stop those thoughts was to get high.  It made me feel somewhat normal again by numbing the pain and blocking those thoughts and feelings temporarily.  It just made taking care of him a lot easier for me because it was more like I was going through the motions rather than having to watch my dad slowly dying in front of me every single day.  It worked for awhile but once again the drug took control of me and I was doing so much not only to function but so I wouldn’t feel guilty or feel anything at all.  I felt as if I had sold my soul to the devil because it ultimately sabotaged my relationship with my dad.  I ended up moving to Orange County so I could attempt to get clean, my biggest fear was still being high when my dad finally passed because I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it.  I planned on moving back within a few months because I knew my dad needed me to be there to take care of him but at the same time I needed to put myself first and get clean and sober.  It seemed like a great plan but it didn’t work out they way I was hoping.  Although I did kick the habit, a few months after the move my dad finally passed away.  I was devastated and blamed myself, I felt as though he died because I had left him and he no longer had anyone taking care of him.  The whole time I was gone I barely spoke with him because I didn’t want any distractions with me trying to get my head clear and be drug free.  I thought hearing his voice would make me feel guilty and make me want to use so I never answered his calls or listened to his messages, I’d just delete them.  I wish more than anything I would’ve saved them!  You can imagine what happened next…

            Once he passed away I went downhill real fast.  This time around I didn’t care about anyone or anything, all I cared about was being so high so I would never have to feel again.  I got caught up so quickly and it kept my mind off my dad’s death so I just kept on going full speed ahead.  Before I would just use by myself and in my own home but this time I was out in the streets and the rush I’d get from the “tweeker” lifestyle was the best distraction and so I started selling and kicking it at the motels, just hanging out with all the wrong people.  I got caught up once I started hanging with the homies and getting stuck in their neighborhood.  Before I knew it I was driving these guys around knowing they were all strapped and not caring for a second.  It was like it’s own high and the more I was around them the deeper into it I got.  I put myself in the most unsafe situations and was fine for awhile but it ultimately caught up to me.  Just imagine being the only girl with all these guys all the time just getting high, you can imagine what kinds of things I went through.  I’m still trying to sort through it all because I blacked it out for the past few years.  I look back now and can’t believe I’m still alive!  I had many close calls and probably should’ve been arrested but somehow I always got lucky.  When everyone around me was getting locked up, I figured I must have someone watching over me…my daddy =) 

It was then when I had finally had enough.  Plus the fact that I had just found out I was pregnant.  I used that to find the strength to walk away from it all before it was too late.  So I got in my car and came back to SD.  I had so many friends down here but felt too guilty to call and ask for help because I had cut them off during my addiction.  Plus I was too stubborn and couldn’t swallow my pride.    I didn’t have anywhere to stay and I ended up sleeping in my car for the first 5-6 months until an old friend found me and let me sleep on her couch for awhile.  She was nice enough to open her home to me and offered to help with the baby but once again I refused to accept any help.  That’s when I found St. Clare’s Home.  I had 3 months left until I was having my baby and hadn’t spoken to my family for most of it.  I never felt more alone in my entire life but something inside me knew that keeping this baby was the right thing even though everyone around me didn’t think so.  It was all the negative things people would say that I truly believe gave me the strength to do it alone, in a sense to prove them all wrong.  That I could be a good mother and take care of a baby while getting my life back on track and at the same time dealing with the destruction that was caused from my addiction. 

            I can honestly say I owe it all to St. Clare’s Home, because the day I walked through those doors I was completely broken in every way, emotionally, physically, mentally.  I didn’t have a clue where to even start to get my life back and still be ready to have this baby with no financial support or having my family by my side.  The hardest part for me was realizing I’d finally have to deal with my dad’s death.   I had successfully pushed it out of my head for so long that by the time I got to program it was as if he had just died all over again.  I had to completely start from scratch and rebuild myself while at the same time preparing for my child.  St. Clare’s offers so many wonderful classes like parenting, financial planning, drug addiction, domestic violence, and nutrition.  I learned so much in these classes and was able to start seeing a therapist to work through old and new issues.  I had a case manager who was available every second of the day if I needed anything.  The support was just amazing and I truly owe my life to the wonderful people who worked there and supported me and watched me struggle through it all and succeed.  I stayed there for 2 ½   years and gave birth to the most amazing baby.  I also found a job, was able to get myself out of all my credit card debt, learned how to save money and budget, and ultimately find my own apartment. 

Most clients stay between 6 months to a year but I took full advantage of it so I could have a strong foundation when I left, as much as I wanted to leave I knew in the long run my life would benefit if I stayed.  Not only that but I was able to do it clean and sober and for the first time in my life was able to find the confidence within to live life on life’s terms and not on my own.  Going there also brought my family back, which I will be forever grateful for.  I didn’t realize how much I needed them because before I got to St. Clare’s I was having this baby alone because nobody wanted me to keep him and it was pretty clear he wasn’t going to be welcomed with open arms.  I got to St. Clare’s on November 14, 2005 and had my son February 28, 2006 with my mom and aunt by my side.  I moved out February of 2008 and as of today I’m a single mom who’s managing to make it on her own.  Everyday is a struggle but I know St. Clare’s will always be there when I need anything.  I left there not only with life skills but with true friends.  With everything I’ve been through I am so grateful they gave me my life back, it’s because of them that I am able to provide for my son and give him the life and future that he deserves.  You live and learn and I have faith that I can handle whatever obstacles get put in front of me.  As long as I remember what I’ve already been through and never forget the lessons I learned along the way I know I’ll be fine.